*WARNING this article is not for those who are easily offended and may contain the words vagina and roadkill. Yes in the same sentence. This article is not suitable for my mom to read, so mom close the computer and go make some tea. I will let you know when its safe to come back.
I always thought I understood why new parents stop having sex. Me being one of them. I thought I understood this ‘season’ for what it was and that it wouldn’t really affect me, affect us. I mean I was different to most women, I actually ENJOYED sex. But the ugly truth of the matter is that I understood jack shit. Especially when it came to why I could no longer like to be spontaneous or felt the urge to jump my husband in the lift.
I thought I knew the answers. I thought it was just a season. I thought the sexy demon in me was taking a ‘breather’, refueling, gaining her seductive power and that I would be ready, a few months down the line to pounce on my man like the sexy little minx I once was. And yes secretively I hoped he was reserving all his stamina too, once things got back to normal, return to his savage ways. I longed for him to want it to be like that again, to desire me like when we first met.
I was wrong.
I didn’t know that there would be many factors that would contribute to the lack of sexual chemistry. Things like timing and exhaustion and not knowing your ass from your elbow. These were things I never even considered. Like most, I blamed it on the new season but deep down I liked to think we were both just adjusting to life with kids and that eventually we would find our way back to each other. Back into each other’s lustful arms.
I was wrong.
It’s been four years since our first child was born. Since then, with all the craziness parenthood has thrown at us I have come to a few quite interesting realizations. Lets unpack them shall we?
- Did you know your babies scream has the power to shrink a mans balls to the size of raisins? That high-pitched screech really has the potential to take a man from hero to zero in 2 seconds flat. Not even the sound of my moms voice in the next-door room has the power to do that. The second that baby cries, a man knows his blue balls are on the verge of turning black.
- It’s possible you may suffer from FOMBYLABS. (Fear Of Men Between Your Legs After Birth Syndrome) You may be too scared to let your husband see certain parts again because you made the crazy mistake of putting a mirror between your legs and now you are scarred for life. You knew things wouldn’t look the same but what you managed to catch a glimpse of resembled what can only be described as road kill.
- You have no idea how to be sexy anymore. Don’t you love the way kids just suck all the sexy out of you? Besides the butternut and peanut butter all over your track suit and the throw up in your hair, lets not forget that they become real little people with real little opinions and very real little voices. They remind you that your ass is fat and that your tummy looks like the stodgy cheese pasta they ate for dinner the night before. How is it even possible to go from that to wanting to get sexy with your husband without keeping your clothes on? How for crying out loud can you spend the entire day cleaning poop, pumping milk, blending baby food, rocking a baby and seeing to children and STILL feel sexy enough to give it all you’ve got in the bedroom.
- You don’t have time, money or energy to knock back a Vodka Redbull, a bottle of champagne and a couple tequilla’s before embarking on a three-hour sex marathon. The kind that helps you lose inhibition enough to have that raucous, fun, reckless sex. The kind where you can both pretend certain things didn’t happen the next day because, well, TEQUILLA.
- You have both become so lazy and unadventurous. Yes I get it, EVERYBODY is tired ALL the time, but you know you have reached an all time low when you start with the heavy debate over who was last on top. And you become so aggressive during this discussion that your husband starts to fear for his life and wonder if having sex with a psychopath is really what he signed up for. Both of you refuse to back down if it means mustering up the energy required to sit up.
- You forget how long it’s been since your last rendezvous and pretend it doesn’t matter. (No wonder you are fighting over who was on the top the last time, neither of you actually remember!) You hate admitting things are slowly getting worse so you pull the wool over each others eyes and fake promise to make it up to each other later. The problem is that you keep on pretending.
- You forget what it means to be spontaneous. Remember the days when leaving the house was as simple as changing your knickers and putting on a quick coat of mascara? Nowadays, making it out the front door requires a 12-step execution plan. One that involves 30 packs of wet wipes and straightjacket. Sex has become something we put in our calendars and do when the lights go out. Usually, after a lot of convincing, planning and bribing.
- You cannot separate the messy life with kids and the sex. I used to try and get rid of everything “baby” once the kids were down for the night, packing away anything that would remind me of the two monsters who wrecked the house all day. After a rather painful sexual encounter that involved my husband having a piece of Lego wedged into his kneecap, we always knew to check the couch for stray LEGO after that. Although lets face it, LEGO is one of life’s greatest mysteries and can be found anywhere at ANYTIME. You realize it’s impossible to switch off to everything around you, especially when those things include a life size dinosaur called Barney. Seriously, try having sex with Barney standing in the corner of the room. He takes creepiness to a whole new level. Lets not forgot the noisy toys that just don’t have a freaking off button. As God as my witness, one day I will find the factory that makes these toys and hunt down the little man who invented them because they are possibly the most evil little devises known to Momkind. And yes you can all thank me later.
You see I have come to realize a whole lot about kids and how they come along in their cute innocence and wreak havoc with your sex life. I’ve also come to accept it and realize that it is actually ok. Yes I may not bend like a pretzel in the bedroom anymore and daddy may not treat me like the naughty girl that I am, but it’s really not the end of the world. In life we go through phases and right now we are in that chaotic haze phase where we cross each other in the passageway at 3am taking our four-year old for a wee and slap each other a high-five. We may not have a sex life like Sting and his wife but we have a solid foundation where teamwork carries us through the crazy………
Um actually no hold the phone.
Scratch that. Who am I kidding? I REALLY want to have a great sex life and I would sell one of my kids to be able to bend like a pretzel in the bedroom again. Point me to the nearest online “How to get your sex life back” course. Where do we sign up?
BY: LEIGH GEARY