My husband and I have always been a very “passionate” couple. OK I’ll rephrase that. We enjoy sex. I’ve never understood those women who fake headaches and exhaustion to get out of one of the most exhilarating and amazing God-given acts on the planet. Making love has never and should never become a chore. Well that’s what I thought anyway.
Gone are the days of returning from dinner and drinks with friends to our neat two bedroom penthouse apartment, barely able to refrain ourselves from taking off each other’s clothes in the lift. Gone are the lazy Saturday afternoon sessions that would take us into the early hours of Sunday, breaking occasionally for a glass of wine and fuel food. And LONG gone are the days we could lie in each other’s arms to enjoy the gorgeous afterglow of another fabulous roll in the hay. In fact those days are so long gone, I’m surprised I even remember them, but I do. All too well and I would do anything to get them back.
Now days with a two year old (who has never slept well from the start), we are lucky if we have the energy to wrap our minds around the most basic love- making. And when we do, the conversation goes something like this:
“Are you amped to make love babe?”
“Mmmmm hold on, I’m just checking Facebook……. Sorry what was that love?”
“Are you in the mood?”
“Mood for what?? SEX?”
“That was the general idea yes.”
“Um I dunno…. You? I’m quite tired but maybe you could get me in the mood.”
“That’s so tempting but I have slight headache. (Did I really just say that???) Are you keen to cuddle rather?”
“Maybe tomorrow night” we say in unison, trying to hide the fact that our sex life just took a dip to an all-time low. And trying even more desperately to forget that it was the same conversation we had the night before. How did things get this bad? Where is the suave guy who used to find me irresistible? And where for crying out loud has my sexy gone?!
Gone are the spontaneous, heats of the moment, just-because-we can passionate encounters. And every so often when those moments do arise someone likes to pay a visit. We call him Murphy and he relentless. He will stop at nothing to make sure those moments are lost. He can come in the form of a teething toddler waking up too early from his afternoon nap or an unexpected delivery at the front door. Whatever the case, we have become all too familiar with the “guy”. In the early days we would attempt to put on teletubbies, sit Noah in front of the TV and sneak off to the bedroom. But when he started crawling those occasions often backfired when just as things were heating up, Noah would appear at the side of the bed. Two little paws and two very excited eyes peering over the edge, watching us with absolutely no sense of embarrassment (from his side, I was mortified of course). We tried it very few times after that and put the whole idea to bed (excuse the pun) when on one particular occasion those same little eyes appeared at the bed side, but this time with the added vocal chant: “GO go go go go” That was it for me. I mean yes, he had no idea what was going on, but let’s be honest it’s bad enough with your dog in the room.
And now at 5 months pregnant you throw a whole lot of other things into the mix. Lower back pain, heartburn (taking swigs of Gaviscon straight from the bottle can’t be sexy), needing to wee all night long, a growing tummy which let’s face it, limits things and an exhaustion I’ve never known. In saying that it’s still very important to try and connect on an intimate level. Just because I’m having Braxton hicks contractions doesn’t mean we can’t have a candle lit dinner and hold hands on the couch. OOOOHHHHH that’s sounds so pathetic! My mom would even squirm reading that. No forget that, I can’t be that sad. Maybe I need to think of it like this. As a girlfriend reminded me the other day, sex is like gym. You often don’t want to go and getting there is a real pain the rear end. But afterwards, man it was worth the schlep. And often, that first class back has you raring to go the next day. Yes I definitely prefer that take on things. I think my husband would too.
I’ve been told it’s just a season and I’m quite sure it is, but I still get a little sad thinking that we may never get that heat back. Maybe I need to reside myself to the fact that those days may be gone, but are instead replaced with a deeper intimacy of loving each other despite the lack of sexual chemistry at times. The satisfaction of a great sex life has been replaced (for now) with the more meaningful satisfaction and joy of raising a wonderful little family and enjoying moments so precious that I never even knew existed. There is something so special about raising kids and all the chaos that comes with it. The bond my man and I share because of it far out ways the need for a good sex life. The connection I experience with a guy who knows me and loves me at my worst is far more reason to celebrate. A man who can still look at me after giving birth and all my post birth drama, who can see me double in size, remain in PJ’s until 4 pm without a scratch of make-up, come home to find me attached to a breast pump on any given day and still say “You are so beautiful and sexy”, that’s love folks. It’s just not all perfect bodies and perfect scenarios. But it’s perfect for me. And truth is I wouldn’t give that up for ANYTHING.
BY: LEIGH GEARY